World Exclusive: Gerry Adams’ PSNI transcript revealed

Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams recently spent four nights being questioned by the PSNI. We have obtained the exclusive transcript of the interview.

Here, for the first time, we can reveal what happened during Adams’ questioning:

 

Gerry Adams:
This is absolutely scandalous to have me, a humble Teachta Dála, incarcerated like I’m a common MLA.

PSNI Officer:
   We want to question you about very serious matters.

Gerry Adams:
My constituents will want to know where I am. I’m supposed to be fixing drains today. Bhí a lán daoine i Louth trés unhappy about this.

PSNI Officer:
We have the Boston tapes, Mr. Adams.

Gerry Adams:
Oh dear.

PSNI Officer:
Yes, it’s very incriminating.

Gerry Adams:
Well I can’t deny that.

PSNI Officer:
So you admit to it?

Gerry Adams:
Well I definitely had More Than A Feeling but I think I had it on vinyl not cassette.

PSNI Officer:
What? I’m talking about Darkie Hughes.

Gerry Adams:
No, The Dark was never into Boston. Himself and Martin were more into disco. ‘Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin alive, stayin alive’.

PSNI Officer:
Mr. Adams! Look at all these incriminating photographs we have of you. You had quite a habit of turning up at demonstrations wearing berets, didn’t you?

Gerry Adams:
They were all the fashion at the time. We were very multi-cultural on the Falls back in those days. We were always drinking cappuccinos and eating pan with chocolat.

PSNI Officer:
It was also very much an IRA uniform at the time, wasn’t it?

Gerry Adams:
Was it? Well, I used to wear flares a lot too but that doesn’t mean I was in the Donna Summers Band.

PSNI Officer:
We have extensive evidence that you were in the IRA. Look here: your membership card which clearly states ‘IRA volunteer 246, Gerry Adams’; an entry from your diary which reads ‘today I joined the IRA’; and a photograph of you spray-painting ‘I really, really, really, really love the IRA’ onto a wall.

Gerry Adams:
I’ve never denied I was a member of the IRA.

PSNI Officer:
So you admit it?

Gerry Adams:
Of course I admit it. I am a proud member of the Inishowen Restoration Association. I spend every summer there in my holiday home. You have to do a lot of ‘staycations’ on the average industrial wage, you know.

PSNI Officer:
Darkie Hughes has said that you were the leader of the IRA in Belfast throughout the 1970s.

Gerry Adams:
Brendan was always one for the jokes. That’s why we called him ‘Darkie’, because of his dark sense of humour. He used to bang on the door of safe houses at midnight shouting ‘open up!’

PSNI Officer:
Safe houses, Mr. Adams?

Gerry Adams:
That’s just what we called anywhere Ivor Bell couldn’t find us. Look it here, we all know that my being arrested is a political plot…”

PSNI Officer:
It is not.

Gerry Adams:
…with the local and European elections around the corner…

PSNI Officer:
That has nothing to do with it.

Gerry Adams:
…dark and sinister forces within Sinn Fein have had me arrested so as I won’t be able to talk about economics. It’s all a conspiracy. Just like the Euro. Putting me in police custody won’t affect my popularity though: policy custody is exactly where the Irish electorate want their politicians.

PSNI Officer:
We’re going to have to continue questioning you tomorrow.

Gerry Adams:
What? You can’t leave poor Mary Lou running the show on her own for another day. She gets a nose bleed if she goes further north than Clontarf, and she gets very panicky because she can’t get any blood on her hands.

PSNI Officer:
I’m afraid, Mr. Adams, that we will be keeping you as a guest of Her Majesty for another night.

Gerry Adams:
This isn’t like what Martin said being a guest of Her Majesty was like. He said he got Crème Brulée. It went all down the front of his tuxedo, although he got himself cleaned up. Martin was always good at getting rid of awkward stains.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About eoghanwrites

Stories and photographs from the developing world, with some Irish nonsense thrown in for good measure.
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